{Hidden Baby Chronicles} 4 Weeks & Some Initial Thoughts & Ramblings

April 14, 2014 - 4 Weeks, 5 Days

I don't really know how else to start off, other than just by coming out and saying it- I'm pregnant.  Preggo.  Preggers.  What?!  It's so surreal even to just type out those words.  Something that I've dreamed about, wondered about, and sometimes even worried about is actually a reality now. 

Apparently I have a little poppy seed baking away in my belly.  Grow, poppy seed, grow!

For as much as I've thought about this time in my life, I'm still surprised how surreal (and really unreal) it feels.  Even just saying those words, "I'm pregnant" makes my heart beat quickly and I get nervous and excited all at once.  As much as I imagined that this would happen someday, I guess I actually really couldn't picture or imagine it.  Still can't, really.  It's truly a mix of emotions- excited, nervous, scared, thankful, hopeful... and on and on. 

I feel good- totally normal.  Which of course makes me logically conclude that something must be wrong.  I'm really struggling a lot more than I thought I would with staying positive and not letting my head "go there."  I always had a nagging, unfounded fear in the back of my head that maybe I wouldn't be able to get pregnant or would have to really struggle to get here.  And now that I was blessed enough to have become pregnant after only two months "trying," you would think I would be nothing but excited and thrilled. Which I am.  But part of me also thinks ridiculous things like, "well it was just too easy, something surely has to go wrong now."  How morbid of me, I know.  But I can't help it.  I know it's nothing I can control, and I just need to relax and think positively, but it's a lot harder of a task than I thought. 

I have definitely had those wow moments where I just stop and think what a miracle this is- a little poppy seed growing furiously inside my body.  You just can't deny that it really is magical to know that there is a little person growing that I will get to meet in eight months or so.  It's fun and exciting to share this special secret with my husband and to go about my daily life with no one knowing our little secret.  We spend lots of time dreaming, planning, and wondering.  I know I sound like a total cheeseball, but it's true.  However, despite that magic, I am finding it really difficult not to let the doubt and fear and "what ifs" creep in.  The fear is real, unfortunately.  It keeps me from getting too excited.  It makes me more cautious and less hopeful.  But I try not to let it completely get out of control.  I think I'm doing an OK job so far. 

I am counting down the days though until my first OB appointment (May 6).  I think that hearing confirmation from my doctor, and even better hearing (maybe even seeing) the heartbeat will be such a relief.  I hate to rush through these first weeks, but I really just want time to pass quickly until I get to a "safer" place and time.  THEN time can slow down.  I get to control that, right? 

As far as symptoms go, I feel almost 100% like a non-pregnant person at this point.  The only thing really even worth noting is that my boobs (my optimistic B's) are on the up and up.  Which isn't hard to do.  That was actually my first hint the day before I decided to test.  I just chalked it up to the weight gain I was still hanging onto from Australia though.  This is probably the only "symptom" that I hope continues! :-) 

On the symptoms note... I've had a "mommy blog" secret addiction for years now.  I've always loved reading mommy blogs- especially pregnancy progress posts.  No idea why, but I just found it fascinating.  While reading those posts, I've always debated about the level of detail I would eventually share when it came to my own symptoms, body changes, etc.  In many aspects of my life, I tend to be more of a private person, but in other aspects (as many of my friends can attest), I can also tend to be a total over-sharer.  So I guess I'm not really sure where I will fall with this... wait and see what happens I guess. I apologize to any friends and family if I've already crossed over to the TMI category.  Forgive me?  Go easy on me? 

That's all for now!  Oh, let me just say it one more time- I'm pregnant! Ack!

Left: No, that's not a baby bump already- just a poor choice on a flowy top.  Center: That's a positive pregnancy test I'm holding, FYI. Right: My race loot from the 10 mile run I completed 2 days after finding out I was pregnant!