End of Pregnancy Musings

A funny thing happens in your head when you wake up on the morning of your due date (and again the morning after your due date)... in your own bed... feeling totally normal- especially after a membrane sweep the day before left you hopeful it would be an eventful night.  As much as you tell yourself you're not in a hurry and as many times as you are reminded that "he will come when he is ready," you still feel like maybe you are letting people down, and you still start to worry that maybe your body doesn't know what to do.  It's a head trip for sure.  But that's kind of where I am now.  Where?  Well, all over the place, I guess.  So, over the past few days, as is to be expected, I've been thinking a lot about my pregnancy as a whole, the end of this pregnancy, and what unknowns lie ahead.  So, please bear with me as I share a sort of stream of consciousness about some things on my mind.

Ready But Not

In just the past couple days, I shifted from waking up each morning thinking "phew, I'm still pregnant" to waking up thinking, "oh, I'm still pregnant. Something must be wrong with me." And "Great- today I will have to tell more people who will surely ask that yes, I am still pregnant"  I always knew that I wanted to be a mom, and I was SO very excited when we found out I was pregnant.  I also really lucked out that I had such an easy pregnancy. Because of those things, it was very easy for me to enjoy being pregnant and to be really be proud of what my body was doing- it's an amazing thing!  So in that sense, I kind of felt ready in some ways.  However, despite all of that, I have really had a hard time getting my head on board with what it all actually means. The bigger picture of pregnancy and its obvious end result has felt very surreal and abstract to me this entire time. I mean, obviously I know what the end result is (and I'm SO excited, I really am!), but it's like I just can't picture myself actually there.  My head, and yes, sometimes even my heart, are having a hard time getting on board... especially as the end nears.  I'm ready, and I'm not ready. All at the same time.

Did I Appreciate It Enough?

Like I said before, I really have enjoyed being pregnant.  And I am so thankful that this experience has been such a positive one for both David and I.  However, sometimes, because of that, I wonder if I appreciated it enough  and worry that I took it for granted.  I've been thinking about that recently because in the last couple weeks, I've found myself already feeling somewhat nostalgic when I think about what it will be like when it's over.  Will I miss being pregnant?  Did I spend enough time rubbing my belly or just sitting with my hands on my belly and thinking about my baby?  I was never one to sing to, read to, or even talk a whole lot to the baby like I feel like everyone else you hear about does.  Will I regret that?  Did I spend enough time just feeling and watching the baby move?  Toward the end, I actually sometimes found myself getting annoyed when the movements were so much that they were distracting, or so strong that they hurt! How awful is that?!  Don't get me wrong, I DID spend my fair share of time relaxing on the couch, watching my belly move in waves and just being in awe of the little life inside me causing all that movement.  But I also would feel so much guilt when these same movements (especially the rough and painful ones) would start to actually annoy or distract me. I do know that I will miss these parts of pregnancy a lot though. So I'm trying to soak it up while I can!  And I hope that I am able to experience it all again one day. 

What Will It Be Like...

...To have the baby?  ...Once the baby is here?  I already mentioned that this part remains very abstract and surreal to me, as I'm sure it is for all about-to-be-first-time-parents. I mean, how can you know what to expect?!  Because I felt like it was totally abstract for so long, it was easy for me to just kind of not think about what it would be like.  I'm good at denial ;-)  But I am thinking about it a lot now (duh).  And it's just so hard still to think about David and I actually at that point.  I've read about a million birth stories (they're my favorite), but I cannot in anyway whatsoever even begin to picture myself in that position- on the way to the hospital, getting admitted, having contractions, etc.  There's no way around it, but I still just can't even begin to imagine myself at that point.  Which is silly because it literally could happen any minute or hour now.  I also struggle to imagine what life will be like with the baby here. Will I have that "insta-love" that you hear so much about?  Or might it take me a bit longer to become attached to this tiny human?  I know both can be totally normal reactions.  What will home life be like- especially when all the visitors are gone? Will I ever sleep again? ;-)  Very normal questions, I know.  But I guess somehow I thought I might be more confident in thinking about these things playing out.  

Wow, I'm a total head case.  And awfully hormonal.  But it felt good to get that all out there.  And I think this is something I will enjoy reading back over a couple months from now.  I'm fairly certain that I will wish that I could have told 9+ month pregnant Megan to chill out, relax, and swear to her that everything will be OK and turn out great- better than she even imagined probably.  I will also probably wish I could have told her to GO TO BED, and stop blogging her hormones at nearly 1 AM for crying out loud! :-)  

40 Weeks - A Jack Fruit

Dec. 18, 2014

Photo Thoughts:  So THAT is what it looks like to be 40 weeks pregnant.  Nesting was a major theme this week, hence the crazy cleaning lady photo.  Also, can we just ignore the fact that I'm now realizing this outfit makes me look like a Duggar?  What can I say? Wardrobe options are very limited at this point. 

How I'm Feeling: Well, I am officially 40 weeks pregnant. This was a milestone that I wasn't sure I would make it to, but here I am.  This milestone has proven to be mentally rough for me.  I find myself questioning every little twinge or ache, wondering, "Is this it?"  "Will this be my last..." It's exhausting.  All at different times this week, and sometimes even all at different points throughout the day, I have felt: excited, nervous, annoyed, pressured, worried, disappointed, manic, etc.  The end of this pregnancy business is no joke- it has been a real emotional roller coaster for me. 

Baby/Bump: Nothing new or monumental with baby at this point. Just continuing to grow hair and nails, and develop his lungs.  It's crazy to think that I have a fully "ready to go" person just chillin' in there.  

According to David, my belly is getting noticeably bigger and rounder by the day.  He never really mentions things like that, so when he does, I know it must really be a change.  Plus, it sure does feel like its' getting bigger and rounder all the time.  I finally realized that this growing belly can be useful. The other day I was sitting on the couch entering addresses into my laptop for Christmas cards. I placed my iPhone on the top of my belly and realized it was the perfect little resting place for it. I could look up contacts in my phone book and see them easily while I transferred them to the website I was using. How useful!

Symptoms: A lot of the same as last week: tail bone pain, nausea the second I lay on my back, my ribs are STILL sore from those crazy kicks, and more frequent and more intense "lightning crotch."  I hope that means something is happening. Oh, and nesting to the extreme!

Weight: I was surprised to see I hadn't gained any weight again this week, especially because I've been indulging like crazy.  So, I stand at +27.0 total. 

What I'm Anticipating: The end!  Sometimes I can't wait for it to be here.

What I'm Stressing About/Worries: The end!  Sometimes I don't want it to be here at all!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: I'm letting myself indulge in basically anything I want. It's a good time of year for that, too! If you can't indulge when you're 40 weeks pregnant, when can you?

Sleep: I'm still sleeping well! I get up once a night to go to the bathroom; however, now it is taking me a while to fall back asleep after that.  I'm pretty sure that is due to my brain immediately flipping through my to do list and getting anxious about what lies ahead.  It does take a while, but I always do manage to shut it off and eventually fall back asleep.

Exercise: I'm done. I threw in the towel this week.  For the past couple of afternoons though, I've been taking a little walk around the neighborhood in hopes that that might get things moving a little bit. If nothing else, it's nice to get out and enjoy the nice weather. 

Movement: Still lots and lots! I think I said this last week, but I'm starting to already feel sad about missing this feeling soon.  I always wonder if I took enough time to pay attention to him moving, to put my hands on my stomach, and to just enjoy it. 

Boy or Girl: Baby boy coming soon!

Comment of the Week: "But you look so wide to be having a boy."  Um, thanks? Sorry?  How does one respond to that?

Dr. Updates: I had my 40 week appointment yesterday. I was measuring right at 39 cm, which she said was fine (I've been about 1 cm behind most of the time), and everything else she checks each week looked good. She did the internal exam and found that I had finally graduated past 1 cm and am 2 cm now. Big timer. I was really emotional during the appointment and told her I was so scared to get induced, so I had been teary before she reported this, and I told her she didn't have to say I was 2 cm finally just to make me feel better. Haha. She assured me she wasn't just saying that. We also agreed that she would do a membrane sweep- which is about as unpleasant as it sounds.  But the idea is that 50% of the time, this gets labor moving within 48 hours, so we will see soon enough which 50% I am in.  We also talked about my least favorite topic- induction. The hospital won't allow medically unnecessary inductions before 40w5d- which would be Dec. 23 for me. I told her I really didn't want to be in the hospital over Christmas, so for now, we are tentatively looking at the Friday or Saturday after Christmas if we need to do that.  I think I get upset because it's like I think that just because we talk about the possibility of induction that that means I am going to have one. Logical, right? My doctor told me that really it is very likely that labor will happen on its own well before we get to that point.  I sure hope she's right...

Bored while waiting in the exam room at what is hopefully my last appointment

Highlights of the Week:

-Baby: Our friends Gerald and Nary had their baby! Nary was due on 12/13- just five days before me. I was so excited when I heard the news, but I also have to admit that it gave me butterflies in my stomach thinking, "OK, I'm next."  

-Last Day of Work: Friday was my last day of work. I felt good about leaving because I had completed all of my projects, so it felt like the perfect time to leave. I was only slightly sad to leave... I was mostly just excited.  It was a good role for me to be in at this point in my life, but it's time for me to move on. 

-Early Anniversary Dinner: David and I went out to dinner for our 4th wedding anniversary on Friday. We thought we better celebrate early, since our actual anniversary (Dec. 18) is also my due date.  

-Maternity Leave: Monday was the first day of my "maternity leave."  Sunday night I made the most epic multi-page to do list you've ever seen, and then Monday morning I hit the ground running. I am definitely trying to take advantage of as much time as I end up having before baby... especially since I was so far behind to begin with.  Nesting is no joke.  You just get these crazy impulses that some random task must be done.  Like that very minute.  I seriously felt like I was on speed... nothing was safe from me cleaning it, organizing it, etc.  If you want proof, check out what I accomplished on Monday and Tuesday...

Ignore the laundry piles

Monday: 4 loads of baby laundry, deep cleaned guest bathroom, sent out last minute Christmas cards, hung a curtain rod, post office run, recycle center run, clothing donation run, bank, completed a HUGE Babies 'R' Us registry completion run, unpacked and put away all items from that shopping trip.

Tuesday: 2 more loads of laundry, finally put up mini Christmas tree, called Australia to deal with some bank issues, assembled Rock and Play, hung some lights outside, felt an uncontrollable urge to clean the exterior of all first floor windows (seriously), cleaned master bathroom, deep cleaned the kitchen.  And more similar craziness insued on Wednesday and Thursday. 

Will there be a 41 Week Post?...

He's HERE!

We are so happy to announce the arrival of our baby boy! 

Jack Andrew Hemmasi

Born: Friday, December 26, 2014 at 5:26 PM

7 lbs, 7 oz

20 3/4 inches

Happy birthday, Jack!! We love you! 

39 Weeks - A Watermelon

December 11, 2014

Photo Thoughts:  How does it grow that much in just one week?! See below for a comparison between this and last week.  Also, I'm basically throwing in the towel on wearing anything with a waist most days. So dresses it is! Let's just hope it doesn't get cold again in the next week or so. 

How I'm Feeling:  I'm starting to find myself sometimes wondering things like, "will this be my last..."  It's a strange thing to not know where you will be (or rather, what tiny human might be with you), the next time you do something simple like a load of laundry, etc.  

Really since about 38 weeks, but especially once you enter the 39 week territory, people start to treat you like a ticking time bomb.  It's fun to have reminders of how close you are. But also not fun. Maybe it's just since I have just been feeling so not ready all along, but those constant reminders about how you're basically ready to explode tend to rub me the wrong way... or just make me really anxious.  Instead of "how are you today?," it's "how are you feeling/anything changed?"  And sometimes you start to feel like you're a bit of a disappointment when you say (and mean!), "good, normal."  I think it's also a little different for me, since most women around this time are getting impatient and just ready to be done being pregnant.  Every once in a while, I get that sort of feeling, but most of the time, I'm still over here like, "not quite yet! I could deal with another month or so!" But I know that is crazy.  I know I'm reading too much into it, but these are just honest 39 week hormonal feelings for you.  

Baby/Bump: He is still getting bigger in there, despite running out of room.  Although, growth is definitely not happening as quickly as previous weeks.  BUT, the good news is that the brain is doing LOTS of growing and developing this week!  

The bump is feeling more and more heavy... which I had hoped wasn't possible. However, it's usually only toward the end of the day when I start to feel this heavy sensation. 

Symptoms: Racking them up finally! On a positive note, my lower back nerve is feeling MUCH better!  No more limping for this preggo.  However... that seems to have been replaced with things like tail bone pain, belly heaviness, general back pain, stomach cramping, occasional lightning crotch. etc. Fun.  I'll address this more in the movement section, but my ribs are also in a LOT of pain!  Oh, and a kind of funny symptom is that I have been hearing stomach gurgling/digesting sounds (things you hear normally after eating a big meal), but now I hear them WAY up high.  It;s a crazy reminder at how shifted around my insides are!

Weight: +0.0. +27.0 total. 

What I'm Anticipating: Friday will be my last day at work!  I was lucky that I was able to just stay for as long as I wanted to/could.  It was very open-ended.  And it wasn't that I felt like I couldn't physically work anymore, it was just more that I really began to feel like I wanted and needed to be at home doing things for me and the baby.  It had been getting harder and harder to be doing things for other people, when I am very conscious of all that I still have to do.  I am looking forward to having as much of next week as our little guy will give me to attack that crazy nesting to do list!

Diet/Cravings/Aversions: I haven't had too many crazy cravings this pregnancy.  But for a long while now, I have been really fixated on Wendy's Frostys and cake donuts (not together though).  Well, this week, I finally let myself indulge and pulled through the drive thru of Wendy's on my way home from work to get my Frosty.  It was totally worth it.  Now to track down a cake donut!

Delicious "waiting for baby" chocolates that my sister sent!

Sleep: Still no complaints here! That is probably one of the things I am most thankful for this pregnancy- that my sleep was hardly affected.  

Exercise: I think most of it has to do with the fact that my Prenatal Pilates/Barre class is now over, but I just was not motivated to work out this week. I did ONE home workout video.  Oh well... I did pretty well up until now.

Movement: He is still moving a ton in there! For a long time now, I've been getting lots of kicks up near my ribs- which is great reassurance that he is upside down.  But this week, he took those rib kicks to a new level!  I can feel his feet wedged up under my ribs.  And when we decides to kick them, it hurts so badly, and I literally expect to look down and see a rib or two poking out from his force.  He had one particularly strong assault on my ribs one night, and ever since then, my rib cage has been so sore... I keep expecting to see bruises.  Seriously.  

Boy or Girl: See you soon, baby boy!

Most Entertaining Comment of the Week:  When I went to the grocery store this weekend, I stopped at the in-store Starbucks to get a drink to shop with.  The barista was a bit of an older lady, and she asked me right away when I was due and what I was having.  When I told her I was having a boy, her response was, "Oh, there are just so many nasty little boys in this world- we don't need more!"  I wish I was making that up.  I had no idea how to respond other than to just nervously laugh, grab my drink, and leave.  SO strange!

Highlights of the Week: 

-Coming Home Outfit: Our little guy's coming home outfit finally arrived in the mail.  I hope it fits!

-39 Week Appointment: Still no further progress.  Stuck at 1cm, 50%, and -2.  I went into the appointment thinking, "I really hope she says I haven't made any progress because I'm looking forward to next week's time off to get ready for baby." So I was surprised that when she gave me this report, that I actually found myself a little upset.  Also adding to that was probably the fact that she began an initial conversation about induction possibilities... which I really hope to avoid.  She said we will chat again next week, if I make it to that appointment.  

-Trader Joe's Meltdown: (Keep in mind, I was a little emotionally wound up after my appointment.)  Right after my appointment, I went to Trader Joe's to pick up a few items.  One of those items being my favorite TJ frozen pizza crust, since I was planning on making several pizzas to freeze for the coming weeks.  I was annoyed when I couldn't find my crusts, so I asked an employee about it.  She said she was new and would go ask the manager.  The manager came out and told me that they had been discontinued.  Immediate waterworks.  Not even kidding you.  I was crying in the middle of the freezer section in Trader Joe's.  In an attempt to distract me, the poor guy asked me when I was due, and that ended up making me cry even more, because it scared the crap out of me to have to say out loud that my due date was next week.  I was a MESS.  I mean I wasn't like full out balling, but I was definitely red in the face, with tears running down my cheeks.  It was so embarrassing, but the guy was so nice, and  he proceeded to carry my basket while walking me around the store helping me find everything else I had come for.  He must have thought I was insane and not wanted to leave me alone in his store. Poor guy. 

I guess I should have added "extremely over-emotional" to that symptoms list this week! ;-)

Maternity Photos

The weekend following Thanksgiving, we finally had some maternity photos taken. We lucked out with the most perfect weather that day, and it was fun to just spend some time together getting excited about our little guy.  Thank you to Rieza for the capturing such wonderful photos- to help us remember this special time!  It was hard to narrow the photos down, but here are some of my favorites (yes, 20 is SOME).  And just so I remember- I was about 37.5 weeks pregnant here. 

  

38 Weeks - A Pumpkin

December 4, 2014

Photo Thoughts: I JUST put my fall decorations away, so I just couldn't justify going out and buying another pumpkin. So, a bag and a half of Cuties/Mandarins will have to do.  

How I'm Feeling: I'm starting to feel some nerves about my fast-approaching due date. It's pretty scary to know that you are  in "any day now" territory.  Also, I think I have also officially entered that period where people start to view you like a ticking time bomb.  If you don't respond to a text message or return a phone call, you just know people are wondering if you're in labor. 

Baby: The weight range for baby this week is a little shocking- 6-9 pounds? Lord help me if I have a nine pound baby already! Supposedly baby can also have up to an inch of hair already.  I'm really interested to see if our little guy is born with a full head of hair... I kind of think he might be.

Belly: This belly of mine is definitely rapidly expanding. Duh, right?  It's just that it was so slow-going and gradual for such a long time, that now it just feels like it's a little out of control.  David has said to me several times this week, as he catches a side view of me, things like "Whoa, you're like really pregnant" or "Now THAT'S a belly!" 

Symptoms: Still with the back pain, the shortness of breath, and the heaviness/tightness of the belly toward the end of the day.  Nothing too crazy to report though. 

Weight: +0.0. Still plateauing at +27.0 total. Even AFTER Thanksgiving!  I guess I should have had more pie after all! :-)  

What I'm Anticipating: Like I said above, I'm starting to get nervous about my fast-approaching due date. I'm excited, of course, but it also somehow seems so abstract to me still.  I can't wrap my head around the reality of how close it could be, and I just can't imagine myself in the whole labor/delivery process.  

Sleep: I am so glad that sleep hasn't yet been an issue for me.  And I only have to get up once per night to go to the bathroom, which is totally manageable. I'll take the sleep while I can get it!

Exercise: This week was the last class of my Pre-Natal Pilates/Barre class. The instructor grew up in Australia and is going back to visit family for the month. I SO wish I could keep going to this class for my last few weeks. It has been something I look forward to each week, and I always feel so good after going. The instructor plans on starting up a Post-Natal class (that she will let us bring our babies to!), so I am already looking forward to that.  Here's a group shot of the girls in the class on our last day all lined up in order of our due dates!

Movement: SO much movement!  And sometimes, it can be really uncomfortable... and painful even.  BUT, I've already started to get a little nostalgic about not feeling this baby boy move inside me anymore.  I know I will miss it so much, so I'm trying not to get too annoyed when he's ninja chopping and karate kicking my insides.  

Milestones/Progress: For the third week in a row, I'm still holding steady at 1cm dilated, 50% effaced, and -2 position. I'm totally fine with not making progress at this point, because I feel SO not ready, but in the back of my head, I can't help but wonder, "what happens if I just never make it any further than this on my own?"  It's a head game...

Highlights of the Week: This was a good week!

-Mission: Baby Gear Assembly - After our lovely Thanksgiving, we spent the weekend focused on getting things ready for baby. I deep cleaned the nursery (officially the cleanest room in the house), got the new rug we ordered all laid out, and then the next day we were baby gear assembly fools (and yes, we ARE major procrastinators and should have done this weeks ago- whatever).  We assembled: the crib, stroller, co-sleeper, car seat, and the play yard/downstairs sleep/changing station.  There's still a lot of work to be done (organizing the baby closet, taking inventory of what we have/need, baby laundry, etc.), but I feel much better about life now.  

-Maternity Photos: We also  took maternity photos to really make our post-Thanksgiving weekend a baby-dominated few days. I'm so excited to see how they turned out! We couldn't have asked for a more beautiful day for our mostly outdoor photo shoot.

-MamaRoo: Ok, I have to admit that besides the baby (obviously), one of the things I have been most excited about this pregnancy is this silly baby chair/swing called the MamaRoo. I've been DYING to have one, but since we weren't gifted one, I just really was having a hard time justifying this expensive (and ok fine, probably unnecessary) baby item. I had been hoping to find a Black Friday or a Cyber Monday deal, but had no luck. So I scoured Craigslist and found THREE that looked nearly brand new. And now I can say that I am the proud owner of a MamaRoo... at almost HALF the cost!  It's a little ridiculous how excited I am about this!

I hope they make these for adults some day! 

-David's Nightly Ritual: Now that we actually have some things assembled in the nursery, and it is starting to look a little closer to a real life room for a baby, I think David and I both enjoy just going in there and looking around in disbelief. One night right before getting into bed, he said he had to go do something, and that I couldn't come. So of course I dragged my pregnant self out of bed and followed along. It was so cute when I realized that all he was doing was going down the hallway to have one last peak of the nursery before he went to bed. He's done it a few times this week.  It's adorable... especially because he's not usually sentimental about things like that. Awwwww....